COVID-19 Virus Shutdown, Day 81

When we were young, I never imagined there was an actual reason that my parents or any adults would do hard work knowing that they'd be sore for days later. 

They'd laugh it off, and lament about youth being wasted on the young. 

Part of the bliss is being ignorant I suppose. 

Thinking about the gardening projects, knowing the amount of weeding and pickers and sticks to deal with is daunting. Knowing how sore I'm going to be would be a deterrent, except for one thing - There is real pleasure in accomplishing something hard. 

Anyone who does any sport or martial art will tell you, it hurts. But accomplishing a goal is really worth it. It's the same when you build a garden. The work is worth it. 

Our online church service today was about identity, and how we tend to tie our identity to things like high school letter jackets or a particular hair do or even things like "I'm a person who eats too much. I just can't control it." Each of these things, when stripped away, is painful because we tie who we are to them. 

My identity used to be: 

I'm the girl who makes the treats and brings them to work. 

I'm the girl who takes classes at night

I'm the girl who works all day too

I'm the girl who has a family

I'm the girl who makes gourmet dinners

I'm the girl who makes decorator cakes

I'm the girl who goes to a church small group

I'm the girl who does it all, how does she do it?

And now, there are no treats because ... well first I could not find ingredients.... and second there is only me and my family to eat them. I was eating myself out of my new jeans! It had to stop. 

Now there are no classes to drive to. 

Now I have no cakes to make. 

I am no longer too busy. I am no longer super woman. No one is asking How does she do it? anymore. 

That truly was my identity. 

This, according to my pastors, is why we get sad and why we hate being stuck at home. It's not for lack of things to do. I have my zoom martial arts classes. I have my google meet church group meetings. I have a new interest in fruit carving. I have my garden. And my books. 

But what was taken from me was being too busy. 

I'm not anymore. 

I pace my days. I work, I garden, I take a zoom/google meeting. I can talk to my mom at a moment's notice. I've read like 6 books. 

Do I miss being tired a lot? No. Do I miss being stressed out about being tested or passing a class? No. 

So what has me so sad? 

My identity was stripped away. I'm not who I was. 

For better or worse we see ourselves a certain way. And it's hard to let go. 

What I needed was a new identity. One that is possible now. 

It hurts sometimes, but I'm a gardener. I'm still a worker. I'm a book reader. I'm a martial artist. I still bake but just once a week. I still make dinners and a lot of them. Not all of them are great. 

And I drive to the grocery store once a week. I wear a mask in public. I wash my hands a lot. I have hand sanitizer in the car. I'm a blogger now. I don't even blog every day like I used to. I stop and think for days about what I really have to say that matters. 

This is my new identity. I'm good with it. 

If you haven't, try this on for size -- what is your new identity now that some of who you were has been stripped away? How are you doing life now? You might find that you're proud of how you're handing a pandemic. How resilient you are. How kind you are. What a good neighbor you turned out to be. How forgiving you can be. 

It might just make you feel better. :)

Stay safe, sane, and healthy. 

Vicky