COVID-19 Virus Shutdown, Day 102

The new eating plan begins.

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I am, and I'm taking you with me. 

I was horrified to see how much weight I've gained, and let's be honest from the start, 

it's not the fault of the pandemic. I've been steadily gaining for years now. 

But you know how it just sort of hits you one day?

And I'm really really bad with deadlines to lose weight. I sabotage myself and try to 

stretch out the timeline or I try to lessen the weight I need to lose by that date.The trigger was actually pandemic related - I haven't seen anyone but the neighbors since this 

started and now we have a graduation party coming, where I could see a lot of people I know. 

I'll tell you this right now, the Rebel Vicky tends to get defensive when it comes to taking advice 

from well meaning friends. I try to have a "take the best and leave the rest" mentality most of the time. 

But my brain likes to cope by coming up with excuses why something won't work, resisting change. 

It doesn't like that I've been "bad" all these years, and it wants to prove that I wasn't "that bad". 

This, I think, is a defense mechanism. Don't take it personally. 

Feel free to give me ideas, just be patient while I convince myself to try them. 

I don't know where the journey will lead me, but I'd like to do an overhaul of my eating so I can drop weight and I wont look at myself dressed up and think, Potato in a dress. Blech. 

I say all this with lemon blueberry muffins and homemade mac and cheese in the house. 

The problem is, I'm a really good baker and cook. At least I think so, because I eat everything I make unless it's a complete disaster, which does happen now and then. 

So you see the problem. I'd be normally looking forward to mac n cheese with a side of cookies, cinnamon rolls, cakes, and muffins. All of this is currently in my house. And that kind of stuff will always be because I'm an aspiring baker. I have to practice. 

So the challenge before me is to see it, taste it, then let it go to someone else's hips. 

And to create good tasting good for me food for my meals. 

According to the internet I'm not blazing a new trail here. And apparently keto food is delicious. Or vegan. Or vegetarian.  But it's food I dont normally eat and have been avoiding. Like quinoa for example. You cook and cook it, but it's still tiny chewy little grains. I'm suspicious. 

Still, the weight loss deadline looms, and carry on we must. 

Somehow I have to make it work this time, and not just temporarily, but forever. That's a big challenge. 

Am I up for it? I have no idea. My track record says no way. 

But I am an ever hopeful kind of person. So I will try try again. 

------------Breakfast ----------------------------------------

I made all my baked goods with white flour and white sugar and real butter. These are bad for weight loss as you can imagine.

So since eating a muffin or cinnamon roll is out, I fried an egg in olive oil spray, sliced a few curls of parmesan cheese on top, lay that on a piece of whole wheat bread and ate it with a cup of coffee regular.

 Yes, a bit of almond milk and some granulated sugar, but that's all the added sugar for the day.

I guess now is as good a time as any to make my eating plan rules. I like this one:

Vicky's Rule #1: Do not give up the one cup of coffee per day. 

How do I feel? 

It's kinda like most mornings, I just chose something I typically eat that was good for me vs something I wanted (muffin). 

Coffee is waking me up.

-----------Lunch --------------------------------------------

1230 - hungry. Moping around looking for something to eat. 

Decided on Lebanese comfort food. 

So I made Lentils and rice with lots of onions and warmed up some frozen stuffed grape leaves. 

I played with the amounts until I got to 470 calories on my "Lose it" counter for the two of them. 

Feeling less mopey now. 

-----------Dinner --------------------------------------------

Breaded chicken, Rice a roni with tomato sauce, asparagus out of my garden (smile) and watermelon. 

This actually got me to 563 calories, which means the day's total was under my goal of 1258. yay!

Now if I could just NOT EAT again until tomorrow...

-----------Exercise ------------------------------------------

I walked the dog. I scooped the poop. 

---------Journaling ---------------------------------------------------

How am I feeling?

I must confess I felt very anxious this morning. I got to wonder, is it me? 

Am I just having an out of control overwhelmed kind of feeling and it's really just me? It could be. 

This is one of the feelings I've been stuffing down with food, Anxiety. So I guess you're going to get some feelings journaling as well, since I've got to get rid of the poison, so to speak. 

I consider myself in "training". Our church had an online service last Sunday where the pastor talked about when you have questions for / need help from God but he doesn't seem to be answering, that is the time that you are preparing/He is preparing you for the answer. We wait now so that we prepare for the weight of the future. I mean, what if the answer is Yes? Will you be ready?

In other words it's okay to worry, to pray, to give it to God. But you also should be in training to prepare

for the answer. 

Let's say for example my current question was about having a bakery or not. 

My plan should be: 

Pray for it and then work toward it by trying out all the recipes I think I will use. (Soon as the oven is working again)

In order to do that, you need to know what you want to pray for. What do you really want?

Do you want a bakery because you want to serve the people something wonderful?

Do you want accolades? Do you want money?

Can you get these things without the bakery but by building a cookbook or teaching a class?

It will take some introspection. 

I think, in the end, it will come down to, who do I want to be?

A baker? A cookbook author? A teacher? All three?

Good question.

A cookbook is 99% marketing. I don't think I'd enjoy it in the end, after doing a little research.

To me, a good teacher is someone wise, with a library of books and theory, with years of experience and awards. I may be starting too late?

But a baker, anyone can be a baker. 

I could be a baker. Heck, I am a baker now. 

And anyone can deliver baked goods. 

I still think a cottage industry baker that does delivery only will be the best idea. 

Now I just have to get baking. 

And offer it to others rather than eat it all myself :)

Mindless eating will get ya in the end. 

Trust me. 

That's it for today. I'm off to read my book so I can stay out of the kitchen.

Stay safe, sane, and healthy!

Vicky