COVID-19 Virus Day 113

It's not really a shut down anymore now that most things have reopened, so I changed the title. 

I'm what I would classify as can't stand politics. I'm non-confrontational, in fact it raises my anxiety level to a near catatonic state if I'm asked who I'm going to vote for. I answered once and lost my best friend. So if you see me discussing anything even partly political, you know i feel very comfortable around you . You're a safe person, congratulations.

My opinion about the pandemic is that without a vaccine in my bloodstream, I need to wear a mask and so does everyone else to keep us from getting sick. I am not going to shout at you to do the same. I am only going to be as safe as I can. I worry that the sheer number of people going back to normal and gathering in groups, maskless, is going to raise the numbers again so that we can't get people in hospitals again. 

On top of that the riots and the angry climate and prejudice scares me. I didn't realize just how bad it was. I am sad seeing just how angry and hateful people can be.  I don't feel that way at all. 

But I need to live in the world, as imperfect as it is. 

I need to get used to wearing a mask everywhere, and finding out the new hours for stores and farmers markets. I need to understand the new rules to safe living again. 

And on top of all that, I have watched my daughter, the one I can clearly see in long pigtails that she hated, this strong stubborn lady love of mine walk down and get her diploma. I was sad that it's going so very fast. But the graduation, the pandemic, the new rules of life, the riots, the anger and hate, it all changed me. I had to take some time. 

I sat in my garden and ate raspberries. I watched fireflies. I weeded my garden and harvested lettuce, asparagus, and a few onions. (I want to keep a perpetual patch as long as possible). I planted potatoes.

I sat and I didn't plan my next move. 

I just looked around. 

Then I searched the house, the yard, up north and back again, for what's next. I literally walked around looking for something. 

I found that the mom role will always be, but it changed dramatically this year as one kid graduated high school and the other prepares to enter it. I'm no longer helper but guide. 

I'm simply not needed as much, in fact am asked to "stop Mom I already know about" whatever topic I bring up. That hurt. I want desperately to help and that's the kind of help I end up giving...desperate. You know its coming but it still gets you. I had to grow some thicker skin and step back. 

I found that I feel my spirits lift when I listen to music. I toyed with the idea of picking up the keyboard and learning to play and sing. But that fizzled after a couple of days. I really just want to listen with no other sound around me. 

I also found that I felt good when I watch movies. Losing myself in the stories, finding kindred spirits in Bridget Jones' Diaries and such. 

I realized I have tribes. My martial arts tribe. My culinary tribe. My church small group tribe. And my family and friends and neighbors. Each in their own way has something in common with me, and each has some comfort and caring in them. 

But still,  I wanted a purpose. I want a reason to get up in the morning, even if my job goes away too. And it will, someday. I wanted a cause. 

I think showing love is the single most important thing a person can do. If you look at any charismatic leader you find love behind their movements. They dream of a better world where everyone is loved. Where the line between "us" and "them" is wiped away. 

One movie that always stuck with me was Bed of Roses, where Christian Slater is the owner of the flower shop but he does the deliveries himself. He does so because he loves to see the smiles of the recipients. 

This is my goal, to offer something that makes people smile. 

I'm not a florist. But I am a baker. 

And a mom and a wife who has a HUGE insecurity gland (read Dave Ramsey) and  I don't want to go into major debt to own a storefront. If I ever have one I want to earn it dollar by dollar. 

I found that doing delivery of my sweets - done safely - will do that. Bring smiles to peoples faces. Brighten their day for just a moment in time. 

All this is to say I've put out my shingle again, and am offering about half a dozen different treats, different ones, every month. I'm going to deliver on weekends when I dont have martial arts or culinary or small group plans already. 

This will bring my purpose to fruition - bring smiles to faces. 

I hope someday you have a similar experience. I'm off to bake!

Stay safe, sane, and healthy!

Vicky