Unpopular weight loss program

Hi. I'm hiding out here in the blog, kind of hoping no one reads it yet. 

 I don't want to admit to you that I am trying again to lose weight. Because that brings to mind how many times I've failed over the past years. 

I don't want to show you the "before" picture and the motivational post-it notes that I wrote. I don't want to show you the motivational posters I found. 

It all seems cheap and hollow and false. Because I keep going back to eating with abandon. I keep eating my feelings. Good and Bad. 

I know better. I know taking a bubble bath is better for me than eating all the carbs that can't run away from me.  And yet, it makes me happy, if temporarily. And angry at myself later. The bath also makes me happy but its not on my regular "normal" evening activities, it isn't yet my habit. 

Yet I am generally unhappy. I don't have a general feeling of happiness with myself. My default feelings are not liking myself right now. My own way of handling this is to take it out on others. Not great. 

So what has changed? What will make me successful this time?

To be honest, I think keeping it quiet is going to help. The more I advertise it, the more I self-sabotage and the more I rebel against my own act of boxing myself in. It's dumb, I know. The mind is a strange thing. 

The Eating Plan?

Just watching my calories - I'm going to use the LoseIt Application on my pc to keep track of calories. I'm going to eat a breakfast, lunch and dinner within a calorie range depending on my weight (goes down as I lose weight) and allow myself one frozen fruit bar or frozen fruit for a treat if I have enough calories left. This is because I cant eat ice cream, being lactose intolerant. 

The Exercise Plan?

To do something every day. That's it. It could be martial arts. It could be a walk. It could be running around in my culinary class for hours. 

Why this will work?

Its close enough to what I do now that it's not a big change. Nothing to rebel against. 

What will I cope with if not food?

It won't be as great as eating a bunch of wonderful treats, but I will be planning for a bubble bath at night and painting my nails. I will be whitening my teeth and reading books. I will watch my tv shows and drink very cold ice water. I will be sitting on the floor and stretching. 

All these things you could call self care. Its the stuff I used to do as a teenager. I also rode my bike but to be honest the seat hurts now so I gave up bicycling. 

What about nutrition?

The funny thing about "nutrition" is this: its only built for the completely healthy person. 

Those leafy greens that are so healthy? For someone on blood thinners they can't have much of this and it needs to be consistent every week. 

Those high protein diets? It is at least difficult if not impossible for someone allergic to meat. Yes that is a thing!

The seeds and nuts? They are a killer for someone with verticulitis. 

And dont get my started on people with Chrons.

So one diet plan does not fit all. 

Do I try to eat a vegetable at least once a day? Yes. Do I try to eat protein at least 2x a day? Yes. But sometimes I'm going to fail. I don't want this to be why I dont lose. 

So what rules do I put in place?

I have to eat portions of foods that will fit my calorie count. So if I want a bagel it has to be half. If I want macaroni and cheese I have to have one smallish serving. If I want a treat at night I can't have had a lot of calories during the day. And I have to move every day.

But that's it. I can eat what I want at any time of the day that I want. I just can't eat ALL OF IT. 

It sucks. 

Any weight loss plan has sucky parts no matter what the diet marketing team says. Its unglamorous and unpopular because its not drastic. I wont lose a ton of weight all at once. 

If it didnt suck, I'd already be doing it. 

So I am going to focus on setting up a couple new habits around how I spend my time at night. 
I'm already seeing that I cant stay up as late because I'm keeping myself awake by eating all night. 

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Day 2

Not so great, really. I did eat more than I intended to yesterday. I kept the final few calories available in the app then just kept filling it with things. I need to stop that rebel in me. 

In the grand scheme of things, had I done that much eating all week I wouldve lost about 1/2 lb, so I didnt gain by doing that. I can stop being so hard on myself. 

As long as I dont set myself a "deadline" to lose all the extra weight, down to 160lbs, then I shouldnt get too upset. I kind of have a goal to get there by the time we go back to work, around mid July. I kind of have a goal to lose 1 1/2 lb per week. Sort of aggressive, but not as bad as 2 lbs. 

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