COVID-19 Virus Shutdown, Day 60

The myriad of cars going to work, going to classes, going to the store on my street have been replaced with a myriad of delivery vans, trucks, and cars on my street. 

It's just as busy as it was before, just a lot more strangers stopping on it. Who'd have thought?

I'm watching Glee now, which has been a great show, but now that I'm in the 4th season, everything is changing. I like it a little less. 

It's art imitating life - when we graduate high school everything, good and bad, changes. And this pandemic, too, will change everything. 

I've been afraid of going back to work, going out at all, because I didn't know how to act, how to be safe, how to live my life. 

I didn't ask to be put here, at home, only going out once a week to grocery shop, getting 99% of what I need online. 

But I'm here. And I'm living it. I've made it so far, 2 months now. 

But believe it or not, there was a corporate "return to work" training that set me on the new path today. 

They explained how we could be safe, still work, still eat lunch, still have meetings in person, and still be safe. It calmed me down because I could finally envision the new world, and at least how I would act and could feel safe about it. Thank. God. 

There's nothing worse than not knowing. Maybe you don't feel this way. But the thing I keep coming back to is I don't know how to just "be". 

I had this problem when I hit puberty. It's not loneliness, necessarily, it's this feeling of malaise.  I had to look it up, and turns out that is the word for it.  It's that general feeling of being worried, unhappy, or not satisfied. And I didn't have a cure, so I stuffed it with food. I've been overweight ever since. Off and On. 

I'll tell you, jolly ranchers aren't the answer!  It did give me something to stop me from eating everything in the house but you end up with a chewed up mouth after the 3rd candy.  It's not bad but it's no substitute for understanding myself. 

Having a purpose, something to work toward, is everything for me. And I think its things like this blog, and making cooking videos that are going to be my labors of love until I can go and take culinary classes again. 

Thanks for indulging me and even reading my blogs. It certainly helps my self esteem. And to be honest I'm hoping to raise others' self esteem as well. Maybe those cooking videos will help someone someday. 

At least that's the idea.

I think understanding that I had malaise and where it comes from does help, where jolly ranchers just put a bandaid fix on it. And working toward something that I can help other will also help. Maybe... just maybe next time you see me in person, I'll be back to my goal weight. I've been unhappy about it for a long long time. 

Stay safe, sane, and healthy my friends. 

Vicky